I didn’t get much accomplished yesterday.  I took a nap in the morning and rested the rest of the day.  Last night, however, I cleaned out my entire creative space (I still have a bit of work to do, but I have actual useful space again).  This is a chore I’ve not been able to do.  It’s the sort of chore that I’d spend hours agonizing over and get very little done.  I work best when I can actually move in my creative space.  Making it impossible for myself to work meant I wouldn’t have to face failing or succeeding at any creative endeavors.  I think I’m afraid of both sucess and failure.  It’s stupid.  Anyway, in the course of 3 hours, it’s approaching spotless.  Yeah, i have some organizing to do, but the point is, I can actually work now.

It rocks.  Cross your fingers that this continues to work.

I guess we’ll have to see.

Anyway, it should rain today, the radio is playing bitchin’ 80’s tunes, and I feel motivated and somewhat productive.

Thus far, I’ve run an errand and did some work-y stuff.

I still miss the steady paycheck from the job in acedemic hell.  That job would have been easier/better if I hadn’t cared about it.  But I did.

Moving right along, I gotta get back to work.  Take care all.

-n.

This week, I’ve felt like I’m really starting to get my shit together. I got some stuff done to my car that I’ve been needing to do for well over a month now. I’ve been productive at the volunteer gig. I’ve gotten some other work done.

My attempt at adding a bit of structure to my week has helped a lot. Not as much as I’d like, mind you, but I’ll take what I can get. I’ve also realized that I only really feel like I’ve gotten something done on my “superwoman” days. There are occasions when I get everything in the universe done and then some, so on the days when I can’t get much done, i feel pretty worthless.

I’m making myself just get a little bit done each day. Remember the Tortise and the Hare? Slow and steady wins the race. Getting something done slowly is better than sitting around waiting for the motivation to do everything.

The volunteer gig is almost over. When it’s over, I really wish I could replace it with a part-time paid gig. Something not too stressful (just like the volunteer gig). I answer phones, file paperwork, run errands, that sort of thing. A bit of extra income would be nice (I don’t care that it would not even come close to paying as much as my previous day-job). I work best when i feel like I have some external validation, like any “work” i do is appreciated. This even helps with the “stuff I really want to be doing”, which is what I’m officially doing for a living. Maybe I could find another volunteer thing, because really, who would hire me? I’m too over-qualified. *sigh*

Would it really be all that bad if I came up with a fake resume? One that looks something like this:

Education: no university degree
Job history: job 1: Food service: I swear I’ve worked in food service. My first job did NOT pay me $10/hour, it paid whatever minimum wage was at the time, really. “Want fries with that?”

etc.,

Maybe I could even show up to an interview in wrinkled, stained clothing.

They’d never believe any of this, would they? Damn you, Bachelor’s degree!

-n

I went to my volunteer job today.  It was tense.   There was a lot of screaming and yelling.  None of it was directed at me, but it still made me nervous.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.  We’ll see.

-n.

Excessive amounts of caffine used to help.  Now, it just gives me panic attacks (guess what that does for my productivity).  The only drug that really did much for me was Dexadrine (not sure on spelling and too lazy to look it up).  It didn’t help consistantly, but could be supplimented with caffine as needed.  It also had the problem of making me nervous.  I built up a tolerance to it to the point where it did nothing (this was around 6 years ago).  At the time, I didn’t have a doc that would work with me at all.  That’s changed, but I’ve been off the meds for 6 years, I don’t really want to go back on them.  The side effects bothered me a bit (it’s so cool to actually feel hunger again). Also, I’m nervous enough without it.  Anyway, my drug options would be trying dex again, or trying one of the REALLY REALLY nasty ones that can completely distroy one’s internal organs.  Before anyone says, “what about Adderol”, I tried it for 2 weeks when it first came out.  It’s chemically very close  to Dex., but tends to work more consitantly for most people.  Adderoll made me incredibly unhappy, and really unpleasent to be around.  So yeah, drugs aren’t an option.   Also the withdrawl symptoms from going off the dex suddenly kinda sucked.

The volunteer gig has given me a bit of structure, and is oddly motivating.  I set a goal today.  Nevermind what it is, but I’m trying having some sort of deadline.  I think the key is structuring my life a bit more.

There’s nothing I hate more than having to discover new coping mechanisims.  Even music isn’t helping.  Music always helps.

Swiss balls never last long in my work area, so that’s not a great idea.  Also, they’re more distracting of late.  I own 3 and I adore them, but they only work as furniture and excuses for exercize.  meh.

I’ll update this later.  I see something shiney…

Today was DAY 1 of the volunteer gig. I went in in the afternoon after a fairly productive morning. I was asked to sort a bunch of documents. Basically, I had to check the title of the document against various lists and label them as to what list they were on. Sorry if that’s confusing. I noticed that in looking for the titles on the lists that I didn’t so much read them as look for the shapes of the titles on the lists. It wasn’t intentional, just something I noticed. This gives me insight into how I normally read. Words are shapes to me. Maybe that’s why I can’t spell to save my life. It’s as if a part of my brain thinks that it doesn’t matter what letters are in a word as long as the shape is right.

Dyslexia was always the “deep dark secret” no one must know. I have no idea how other people compensate.

For the record, don’t call me disabled. My brain simply works differently. It’s not a defective brain, just a different one. I can see patterns where you can’t. So neaner.
-Noapte

I decided to start this blog to give insight into Learning Disabilities (you’ll find I dislike that term).  I have several so-called “Learning Disabilities” including ADD and Dyslexia.

I don’t see myself as “defective” or particularly “disabled”.  My brain works differently than yours, so what?  Well, I can tell you that it is a bit of a challenge to be  “LD” in a “non-LD” world most of the time.

First, I’d like to clear up a common misconception about ADD/HD.  Attention Deficit Disorder is a misnomer.  It’s not that I can’t pay attention to anything.  I actually pay attention to EVERYTHING.  This has distinct advantages, particularly in the workplace.  I always know exactly what’s going on.    Though it should  be noted that some people find it unnerving when they realize exactly how much I pick up on.

Anyway, I’m currently in what I consider a “transition”.  I’m having to rework my “coping strategies”.  I’m sorry for all the annoying jargon.   The first few entries (they’re writen and posted already), are mostly venting and trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t.  This happens sometimes.  The old tricks to make myself focus etc., start to fail.

Okay, I think that’s it for now.  Take care everyone.   Also, feel free to ask questions if you have any.
-Noapte.